Counseling Blog | The Dunham School | Private PreK-12 | Baton Rouge, LA

Counseling Blog

October 2026

Biblical forgiveness and restoration of relationship

by Judith Owhondah, MS, LPC-S, LMFT-SC

Do you remember the first experience you had that made you believe the adults that told you not to touch a hot stove was dangerous? What about the first experience which made you realize that "FALL" is also a verb and not just a beautiful season?

Well, when we have hurtful or painful experiences like that, our brains, which are designed to naturally track stimuli and protect us, among other things, do their jobs. They track different components of that incident and assign certain messages to them. That way, whenever we encounter something that looks, sounds, smells, tastes, or feels like it, our "sensors" are activated. We start to have strong reactions to the new stimuli not necessarily because it has the same ability to hurt us, but because we're in self-preservation mode. In fact, we're really responding to the old incident.

How does this brain talk apply to forgiveness? Keep reading...

When people say or do things to hurt us or our children, we have a natural reaction. The intensity of the response, however, may not match the actual action. Most times, our responses are based on our interpretation of what the people said or did, not necessarily their specific words or actions. In fact, if we look closely, we'll find that most times, we are really reacting to the old hurts that may not be directly connected to that particular incident.

In the fallen world we live in, we know that unfortunately we will have people who show selfishness, arrogance, unkindness, manipulative behaviors, injustice, greed, wickedness, or superiority, to mention but a few. When we experience these things, there's a tendency to hold on to the hurt generated, especially when we think it was intentional or they're not remorseful. The longer we hold on to these hurts the more likely we are to have it form the lens through which we interpret other situations. Imagine how miserable that can make us. This is where forgiveness comes in.

Forgiveness is a process that involves acknowledging a wrong done to one, not trying to excuse or justify it, but choosing to abandon any resentment connected to the experience and responding to the aggressor with moral compassion instead. That was a mouthful! Now read it again, this time more slowly.

The more we grasp the concept of forgiveness, the clearer it becomes that it's hard to do our own. The truth is, forgiveness might be easier in some instances than others. Nevertheless, for us as believers, this is our story: “Once we, too, were foolish and disobedient. We were misled and became slaves to many lusts and pleasures. Our lives were full of evil and envy, and we hated each other. But— When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. He generously poured out the Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior. Because of his grace he made us right in his sight and gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life.” Titus 3:3-7 NLT

Clearly, there'll be no Christianity without forgiveness, which is as a result of grace. Let that sink in. In Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13, we are charged to forgive others as Christ forgave us. Yes, the Lord Jesus knew that evil exists and that making a choice to forgive wrongdoing can be hard. Therefore, he supplied us with an abundance of grace (Romans 5:17). It's just like a parent putting money on their child's Lunchtab account in the event that the child gets hungry before pick-up. That child may be using their I.D. to purchase things, but he/she is actually spending their parents' money. It's the same way. God has made sure we have the amount of grace needed to forgive, because he knew we'd need it. The consciousness of this truth helps us to forgive more easily. We have been empowered to do so. 

It is also pertinent to mention that the grace we have received and dispense is a gift. When people wrong us, they don't necessarily deserve the forgiveness we give them. If they did, it will have been earned and is no longer a gift.

When we forgive, we're updating the messages our brains attached to the initial incident. We are making a choice to assign a positive resolve to an otherwise negative experience. That way, the lens through which we process other events is more positive. Eventually, this brings about restoration in relationships. 

While forgiveness doesn't absolve the offender of wrongdoing, it's beneficial to the one who has been hurt in many ways. Not only does it relieve one of the stress connected to the bitterness and resentment unforgiveness brings, it lowers blood pressure, improves heart health, and reduces the likelihood of depression and anxiety.

In conclusion, while apologies and an offender's intent may help with the forgiveness process, as your brain can resume associating them with positivity, biblical forgiveness is a gift that comes from God's grace. We forgive because we have been empowered by God to do so.